Chick Singer Offenses

Steve Goodson

~ Chick Singer Offences ~

Singer’s name __________________________________
Real name _______________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______

Preparation / Equipment Offenses:


Doesn’t know how to adjust mic stand-$15

Can’t figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15

Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50

Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75

Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15

Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20

Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25

Lays mic down facing monitor-$50

Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75

Straight arms mic when singing-$15

Drops mic-$10

Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100

Doesn’t have set list-$10

Doesn’t have keys on set list-$15

Doesn’t have original songs charted-$20

Singing Offenses


Doesn’t know key to songs-$10

Doesn’t know when to come in-$15

Modulates without informing band-$20

Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30

Forgets original singer of song-$10

Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30

Gets off key singing acapella-$200

Stands onstage but doesn’t sing harmonies-$30

Sings bad harmonies-$35

Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40

Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25

Forgets to sing bridge-$20

Forgets words-$20

Sings verses out of order in song-$15

Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100

Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20

Looks at pager while singing song-$10

Sings consistently flat-$25

Sings consistently sharp-$25

Sings too softly-$5

Just plain ol’ CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks – No Charge

Sings “Stand By Your Man” in the key of A-$30

Wants to sing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100

Thinks that “Poor Pitiful Me” is a new Terri Clark song rather than old

Warren Zevon song-$50

Thinks that “I Will Always Love You” is a new Whitney Houston song instead of

an old Dolly Parton song-$100

“Dolly who?”-$50

“Patsy who?”-$10

Stage Presence Offenses


Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20

Holds guitar, but doesn’t play-$15

Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25

Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250

Plays tambourine-$10

Plays tambourine out of time-$50

Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer’s secrets laying all over


Plays harmonica solo during song-$100

Tells jokes over mic-$5

Tells bad jokes over mic-$50

Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500

Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35

Argues with band members onstage-$150

Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175

Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200

Gripes at band onstage-$20

Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75

Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15

Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30

Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on


Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60

Other Miscellaneous Offenses


Late for gig-$30

Dates a musician in the band-$50

Dates the drummer-$150

Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20

Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50

Uses fictitious last name-$50

Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, “Hey baby, I’ll make you a


Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000

Hates the phrase “chick singer”-$500

Additional Reading

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