And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, “Who goeth there?”

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, “It is the Lord of all things, dummy!”

And Noah did tremble, saying, “Lord, why hast Thou wakened me?” And the Lord did say, “Noah, build me a Jobbing Band” “For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets.” And Noah did say, “But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?’

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, “Fool, thou wilt be my Contractor. Ask not why!” And Noah did bow his head, saying, “Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?” And the Lord said, “It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe.”

And Noah did say, “And what else shall this Leader do?” And the Lord replied, “It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all Payments.” “Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore.” And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, “Lord, Thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?”

And the Lord said, “Next, find Me a Rhythm Section. “First, find me a Drummer. and three things above all must this Drummer possess.” And Noah did ask, “What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?” And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, “Second-guess Me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. “And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. “And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player.”

And Noah did say, “As you command, Lord. And what next?” And the Lord did say, “Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all.”

And Noah did say, “Of course. And next, my Lord?” “Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. “Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge.”

And Noah did wonder aloud, “Lord, great is Thy Wisdom!” “Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing “Old Time Rock n’ Roll”. Also shall he not know The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. “And his tux shall be the Rattiest.” And Noah did say, “It shall be done.”

And the Lord did say, “Next thou shall need Horns. “First shall be the Saxophones. And ye shall know them as Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when “In The Mood” is called.

“Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing.

“And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band.”

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, “Mighty is the Lord!” “Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. ‘And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing.”

And Noah did say, “What else can be left, Lord?” “And the Lord did say, “Finally, find me the Singers. “And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. “And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock ‘n Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. “And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, And the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, And forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. “And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why.” And Noah did say, ” As Thou sayest, my Lord.”

And the Lord did command him, “Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you’re at it, start looking for Subs.” And Noah did say, “Lord, Thy will be done.” And it was.

1) And it came to pass in the Very Loud Big Band a disgruntlement upon the bassist, Jaco-Mo, which he could no longer abide.” I am first to arrive, last to leave and yet receive no more sheckels than the saxophones,” he thought unto himself. ” “I must toil like a galley slave, pulling a very large oar for the horns, only to receive their scorn, and exhortations to “dig in”. “This while they “walk the bar” and play all manner of preening blather, chorus after chorus on “Choo-Choo-Cha-Boogie” and the hated “Caledonia”. All this began to chafe on Jaco-Mo in such exceeding fashion that he did stray from the written line and blasphemously “take it out”.

2) This provoked an outcry amongst the horns and especially the Female Vocalist Who Could Not Count until finally the Leader did chastise Jaco-Mo, ” Lo, you have caused the horns great consternation, and led astray the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count three times on this gig. I have no recourse but to docketh sheckels from your pay.”

3) One night after a particularly arduous engagement, Jaco-Mo sat disconsolately at the bar in his tuxedo, the Badge of Shame. Presently, a somewhat seedy character sidled up him.”Say man, you want a gig?” He hissed,”It’s a trio, man, smoking, play whatever you want, solo on every tune, and we’re done at 10 O’clock. C’mon man, lose the monkey suit! Free up, baby! “

4.) And Jaco-Mo was sorely tempted, for he sorely wished to free up and shed The Badge of Shame, and solo on every tune. And so he agreed, and subbeth not his gig with the Very Loud Big Band. “I will surely show them, for I shall be sorely missed, ” he thought. “Then they will appreciate the toil of Jaco-Mo.”

5.) The time came for Jaco-Mo to make the trio gig and he followed the directions to the club. “This is a very bad part of town,”he said to himself, as he double checked the locks on his conveyance. And the people on the street did look covetously on Jaco-Mo as he made his way up the street with his Bass, perhaps to separate him from it or the brand new turtleneck he had chosen for his raiment.

6.) But the gig was all he had wished for. They played at fantastic tempos no human could dance to, they traded 4′s, 8′s, 2′s, and the like and lo, they did “take it out” repeatedly. All three patrons of the establishment were duly impressed and stayed until the end, one even beseeching Jaco-Mo for a ride home.

7.) Thence came the time of remuneration, and the leader did hand Jaco-Mo but 11 sheckels ($ 4.37 US). As he did so he said,” Swingin’ baby, you down for Saturday night?”

8.) Jaco-Mo was in a quandary as he walked to his conveyance. He had played what he wished, indeed, “taken it out”, but had only enough sheckels for Ramen and perhaps a gallon of gas. As he unlocked his ride he realized his CD Player had been plucked from the dash !

9.) Now Jaco-Mo was miserable, and decided to drop by the Wedding Reception to see how the Very Loud Big Band was doing. At least they would be sorry and beg him to come back. As Jaco-Mo mounted the stairs he heard bass ! Not real bass though, something not of the bass world, but somehow passing for bass. And as he reached the top of the stairs, there was the keyboard player, doing Jaco-Mo ‘s job with his left hand .

10.) Came the intermission, and the players did disperse to the buffet line , some with their Tupperware hidden beneath the Badge of Shame, that they might avail themselves of the repast at a later date, and avoid Ramen. Jaco-Mo threw himself on the mercy of the Leader, ” My conveyance broke down, and I got here as soon as I could”, he sputtered dishonestly. “I can start the next set.” The Leader, having gone through many bass players, fixed his gaze on Jaco-Mo, and spoke unto him,” What’s up with the turtleneck?”

11.) The Leader spoke as thunder now, “If thou dost return, Jaco-Mo, do thy swear to not stray again from the printed page? “Yes!,” blurted Jaco-Mo weakly ( rent was due). “And thou shalt not lose the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count again ?” “I promise,” he groveled , for he did miss his CD player, and wished to be anointed at the buffet line, that he might avoid Ramen. “All right Jaco-Mo , as your penance , go to the Road Case and don the Powder Blue Badge of Shame for the rest of the gig.”And as a final warning he said, “Do not cross me again, son, or I will give your gig back to the keyboard player’s left hand.”

12.) And so Jaco-Mo did once more assume the yoke of duty in the rhythm section, in the Powder Blue Tux. His face became a blank mask of perpetual boredom, whether The Female Singer Who Could Not Count was smiling at him, (for he never lost her again),or the horns scornfully exhorted him to “dig in. “Jaco-Mo learned the hard way : It is better to eat than “take it out! Amen?

Singer’s name __________________________________
Real name _______________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______

Preparation / Equipment Offenses:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn’t know how to adjust mic stand-$15

Can’t figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15

Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50

Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75

Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15

Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20

Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25

Lays mic down facing monitor-$50

Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75

Straight arms mic when singing-$15

Drops mic-$10

Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100

Doesn’t have set list-$10

Doesn’t have keys on set list-$15

Doesn’t have original songs charted-$20

Singing Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn’t know key to songs-$10

Doesn’t know when to come in-$15

Modulates without informing band-$20

Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30

Forgets original singer of song-$10

Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30

Gets off key singing acapella-$200

Stands onstage but doesn’t sing harmonies-$30

Sings bad harmonies-$35

Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40

Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25

Forgets to sing bridge-$20

Forgets words-$20

Sings verses out of order in song-$15

Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100

Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20

Looks at pager while singing song-$10

Sings consistently flat-$25

Sings consistently sharp-$25

Sings too softly-$5

Just plain ol’ CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks – No Charge

Sings “Stand By Your Man” in the key of A-$30

Wants to sing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100

Thinks that “Poor Pitiful Me” is a new Terri Clark song rather than old

Warren Zevon song-$50

Thinks that “I Will Always Love You” is a new Whitney Houston song instead of

an old Dolly Parton song-$100

“Dolly who?”-$50

“Patsy who?”-$10

Stage Presence Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20

Holds guitar, but doesn’t play-$15

Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25

Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250

Plays tambourine-$10

Plays tambourine out of time-$50

Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer’s secrets laying all over

stage-$25

Plays harmonica solo during song-$100

Tells jokes over mic-$5

Tells bad jokes over mic-$50

Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500

Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35

Argues with band members onstage-$150

Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175

Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200

Gripes at band onstage-$20

Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75

Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15

Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30

Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on

stage-$15

Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60

Other Miscellaneous Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late for gig-$30

Dates a musician in the band-$50

Dates the drummer-$150

Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20

Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50

Uses fictitious last name-$50

Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, “Hey baby, I’ll make you a

STAR”-$20

Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000

Hates the phrase “chick singer”-$500

And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand.

And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, “My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Promised Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime?

Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed thee to Solo on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts?

So why doth thou protest when I call The Slim Dusty Song, or The Peter Allen Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?

And the Sidemen answered him, “But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walking Frames; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from the Far North, as well as those from Western Australia, and from Melbourne; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Function Organiser, and the Master Of Ceremonies; But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader.”

And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Function organiser, and he said, “Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil.” And he turned to the Master Of Ceremonies, and he said, “I will leave by the Front Entrance”; And he turned to the Bride, and said, “Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;” And he turned to the Bride’s Mother and said, “Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life”

And he turned to the drummer and said, “The band is yours.”

And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.

1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.

2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)

3. If you don’t know it, play harmony.

4. Double book, then choose.

5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.

6. Always degrade types of music you can’t play or know nothing about.

7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.

8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).

9. Never smile.

10. Always complain.

11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.

12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)

13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.

14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.

15. Always open spit valves over music.

16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.

17. Always worship dead jazz greats.

18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.

19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.

20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.

21. If you’re backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it’s a comic, don’t laugh.

22. Always bum a ride.

23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.

25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

26. Always ask, “When does the band eat”, or “Where’s our table”?

27. Remember, it’s not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.

NAME OF OFFENDER – ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE – _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for “E” tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer’s tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer’s tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing “A Train” ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended “A Train” ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS – ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic “just in case” $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting “Birdland” $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with “When I was a guitar player…” $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are “into sequencing” $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking “where are we?” $25
[ ]Continually shouting “Yeah!” $25
[ ]Asking bone player where “1″ is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4′s $100

When the gig you drove 200 miles for to make $100, and had to pay for a hotel room, is later referred to as your “summer tour”.

When your most sincere, heartfelt comments are made by people that are drunk and who won’t remember you in the morning.

When you are repeatedly told that the lead singer who can’t read, never practices and has been singing for only six months is “The strongest part of the band”, primarily because she has big tits.

When you are pleased that the pay for the gig, when looked at hourly from the time you leave your house to when you return meets minimum wage.

When someone comes up to you to tell you how much they love your playing, because they didn’t think anyone played those things anymore.

You get to the gig to find out that nothing is comped, and you’re charged $10 to park.

When someone seeks you out to complement your playing as the “best sax player they have ever heard”, and you’re the trumpet player.

When you realize that a small piece of equipment- such as a wireless mike you need- will take months of weekly gigs to pay for.

When you have to add $30 or $40 out of your pocket to find a sub, cause no one will cover you for what you are paid.

You aren’t offended when all of the young wedding guests leave after the second set to dance to the DJ at a club down the street.

When you are told that you must play until the very end of when you were contracted for, when your only audience is the bartender, and you’re being paid 40 or 50 bucks for the night.

When the bandleader or club owner wants to pay you in food or drinks, and you have $100,000 in school loans to pay off for that music degree.

When the guy collecting money at the door for the band’s performance makes twice over the course of the evening what you do as one of the band members.

When as a member of a blues band you no longer even pretend to smile when asked to play “Free Bird”.

When you know that other musicians who routinely claim they don’t work for less than $100 a night only work a few times a year.

When people who are drunk tell you that what you are doing is absolutely great and the best thing thing they have ever seen or heard, but refuse to pay more than $5 at the door.

When someone calling the cops for noise is a good thing. You get to go home early and you still get paid.

When you realize that asking women out that you meet on gigs doesn’t work, for now they know you’re a musician.

When you get invited to play the same gig the following year, which means that you don’t have tear down after this year’s gig.

When you have, for several years, been paid the same amount for a gig, but are afraid to say anything about it for fear that you might lose the gig.

When you spend more on the bar tab than you get paid for the gig.

When you finally have to resort to playing Proud Mary in order to get the audience dancing.



15. God, what a kick playing all those old Glenn Miller stock arrangements


14.. I love it when the trumpet players lay back like that…it makes playing drums so easy…


13. Wow, everyone played perfectly in tune all night long, again


12. The leader got all the tempos exactly right, again!


11. Why is that cigarette shaped so funny?


10. Should we go back for the drummer?


9. Checkmate! 


8. Go roll ‘em down the aisle all you want. They’re only cymbals.


7. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.


6. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.


5. Why is there porno in the VCR?


4. Can you believe all the money we’re getting?


3. Boy, I can’t wait till we get to Omaha! 


2. No thanks, I don’t want another beer.


1. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.

Your check’s in the mail



We can fix it in the mix



This is the best dope you’ve ever had



The show starts at 8



My secretary will take care of it



I’m sure it will work



Your tickets are at the door



It sounds in tune to me



Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall



I know your mic is on

I checked it myself




She’ll be backstage after the show



Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo



The stage mix sounds just like the program mix



The club will provide the PA and lights



I really love the band 



We’ll have it ready by tonight



We’ll have lunch sometime



If it breaks, we’ll fix it for free



We’ll let you know



I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up.

It was on the rocks 
long before I ever met you



The place was packed 



We’ll have you back next week



It’s on the truck



My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album



Someone will be there early to let you in



I’ve only been playing for a year



I’ve been playing for 20 years 



We’ll have flyers printed tomorrow



I’m with the band



The band drinks free



You’ll get your cut tonight



We’ll supply someone for the door



There’ll be lots of maintenance guys when you get there 



You’ll have plenty of time for a sound check



My other horn is a Mark VI 



We’ll definitely come to the gig



You can depend on me